So, not to prolong this any longer, here are the results for duel between Zero and Woop. I once again apologize for the delay, but, averaging 4 hours of sleep a night isn't the best of mindsets to judge poetry with
razz :
(If I missed anything, or you have questions/explanations, pm me)
Quote:
Time
Is the only honest thing that we know that is also a lie
A word and I am nine
We are the closest when we are apart
All that is keeping us is the minutes of the clock
It has no keeper, but it holds us in its hands
Looking back, I see that girl
What would she have done in a different era
What would she have had to prove in a different matter?
Sitting back, watching as it all goes by
Growing up I am now twenty nine
It has never been the be all or end all
However we keep running, we keep chasing.
Trying to grow, trying to be her for you
I didn’t know, but now I do
Innocence, swept away in the currents
Twighlight are the years that come
A new generation has been born
The years roll by and you hear time sigh
All you want to do is rest, knowing you have done your best
Now another little girl is playing with a strand of pearls
To what will be of her? To what will be of her future
The hand ticks forward, grasping the ends
Time is the only honest thing that we know is also a lie
There’s a clunky transition between your various sentences, a lack of flow…were you trying to use this to your advantage by simulating the tick-tock of a clock (sorry)? At one number, now another, each one different and potentially giving a new idea and mindset, cultimating in the repetition of the final line which is a repeat of the first (as in a real clock?)? It’s a good idea (if I’m not just making this up), but, this doesn’t do that because all the syllable counts are different – if you were to tighten up the syllable counts, this would fix the problem by simulating the clock exactly (and perhaps by limiting to either 12 or 60 phrases would make sense, by putting it into a “time” format) and would provide a reason for the phrases to not be solidly put together. However, if that’s NOT what you intended to do, I’d recommend making it flow a bit better, or at least input another reason for the juxtaposed images/clunkiness. As is, it’s hard to read and the juxtaposed phrases do little to complement one another.
Quote:
Chronos
The floodlights shine down on these
rain-covered streets, as the citizens pass by,
blissfully unaware that something is around them;
something is passing through them.
She creeps out like a wave, destroying everything
she touches, leaving nothing left to chance, yet
healing all wounds.
She kisses Gods without shame as, they, too,
will fall frail before her feet.
Easy how something so beautiful becomes a burden.
Beauty is often ignored for the straight-laced.
These people walk through the compost-covered-crawlspaces,
whispering sweet nothing to somethings, while
covering up in their shame.
Shamelessly, she will eventually kill us all,
replacing this misstated race with a new face.
All encompassing and yet, willing to play the back,
she shines on all planes at all speeds.
I know that this is my harlot, come to carry me away.
So..I wait.
After all...all I have is time.
So, I’m not currently seeing the reason for the repetition of “shame” - explain? It seems somewhat excessive. However, I doubt you did that accidentally, seeing as you put them right next to each other. So maybe I'm just crazy and/or sleep-deprived.
Also, these two lines bug me:
Easy how something so beautiful becomes a burden.
Beauty is often ignored for the straight-laced.
They stick out like a sore thumb, and don't seem to go along with the rest of the poem very well... it disturbs the otherwise flowing nature of the poem. Very out of place.
So, anyways. While Woop's poem has some good potential, Zero's poem had rich imagery and symbolism. So, on the grounds of superior poetic communication, I'm going to proclaim
Zero to be the winner.
100
175
100
